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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It frustrates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that therapy might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This process will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.